Private consultation, finally.

I got my scan results back today (all normal), which meant I could actually make my specialist appointment, today & not have to postpone again.
I think I need to take some time to process the outcome.
When I came out of the consultation, everyone around me seemed disappointed & I just couldn't work out how I was feeling.
I seemed to concentrate all my emotions on feeling guilty about them being disappointed. Why do we work like that?
One minute I'm completely fine, the next I can feel a battle with my depression coming on.
I don't feel like posting anything, but it's easier than messaging each individual who cares & asks.
I waited years for an appointment with a specialist, ended up paying to go private (deep down I knew, "there's no miracle cure), just to find it not all that helpful.
So I fought to get to this day, now it's been & gone & the light at the end isn't looking much brighter. Probably a good thing, considering I can't handle bright lights ha.
All she done was go through a list of medications, similar to ones I've tried, that I'm to go through & try.
The REALLY frustrating thing is, they're actually just normal medications that ANY of the health professionals I've seen over the past 2 & a bit years could have prescribed.
They're not even specialist exclusive- I was told I'd tried all the normal medications & that the only ones left were specialist exclusive ones.
I had to pay to see a specialist, to find out I hadn't even been tried on well known medications. If one of these work, I could have been better by now. I could have been enjoying the past 19 months with my little boy I struggle to look after.
The specialist was shocked that I'd never heard of or been tried on the medications she suggested. I feel failed.
I fought so hard to get to a specialist, thinking I wasn't getting my hopes up too much. When in reality, I guess I was hoping for a miracle.
I just want to be better. I don't want to be ill anymore. I want to enjoy my little boy, & I want to take away the huge strain I'm currently putting on my family.
Im dreading the possibility of more nasty side effects, but I'm so ready for better days.
I have no idea what the next step is if this new list is all unsuccessful x